UPDATED FOR DOG TROUBLE: Real Magical Creatures and Faded Fairytales
(Hi, it’s me. If you were upset because the promised photos of Monday’s good dog Howie weren’t appearing on your phone, you should now be able to see them. On behalf of Howie, who is apparently so enormous of spirit his file sizes are infinite, I apologize!)
Happy Monday, my Baddestmama Jammers. I hope you all survived Father’s Day by whatever means necessary. Here’s your morning miscellany that will hopefully make you feel better about the world.
You’re Not An Asshole, You’re A Goddamn Genius
7/10 times, posts on Reddit asking if someone puts a post up asking if they are the asshole, are definitely the asshole. But once in a while someone shows up who is so absolutely in the right they actually deserve to level up to “Am I A Hero.”
After having this happen a dozen times, I finally snap. A guy on Tinder messages me and the conversation seems to be going okay at first. We message back and forth and then I don’t hear a response. That’s okay, people get busy.
At around 11:30 pm he hits me with the “Sorry, I got busy. What are you up to? Wanna have some fun?” During our initial conversation I make it crystal clear, I’m not looking for hookups. I don’t to casual sex. So I remind him of this, and he starts negging me. “I knew you’d be a prude”, “not sure why you wasted my time”, “let’s just meet up at my house and talk and see where things go.”
Finally I was like, “okay, but come to my house.” and then I proceed to give him the address of a McDonald’s. In the next town over.
This woman should be found and praised.
Ahoy Mateys!
All along the west coast, we are breaking into my favorite time of year. No, not summer - WHALE SEASON.
Thanks to the bounteous Pacific, we in California have near year-round whales. From December to April, it’s the annual march of the Grey whales, who commute twice a year between their frosty feeding grounds in Alaska and their serene turquoise calving bays in Mexico (avoiding the 5 freeway, because whales are smarter than we are.)
But come June, the big boys arrive in town. Humpbacks and Blue Whales by the score hit the west coast! The humpies are doing a similar food-and-sex run, but the blue whales??
Here’s the crazy thing. Blue whales are the largest creature that has ever lived on earth. Not, like, the largest mammal. Larger than ANY dinosaur. Larger than prehistoric whale ancestors. They are fucking enormous. But absolutely no marine biologist on earth knows where the hell they are a lot of the year. Because they generally prefer open water (and our planet has a lot of that) they flat out disappear most of the year. We can’t find their mating grounds. We can’t find their calving grounds. With all our GPS and satellite imaging… we still have no idea.
But in the summer months they flock to the coast of California, presumably migrating and taking care of a few trillion blooming krill, which they eat like Pringles.
And YOU can go SEE them! Besides, you never know what else is out there: orcas, rare minke whales, dolphins by the thousand, swarms of jellyfish - whatever you see, you will walk away with a major new appreciation for the big blue pool we all live on the edge of.
I am a veteran whale watcher; I think I’ve been on about a dozen trips now. Thanks to an early 1980s documentary on whales returning to San Francisco (funny story, we literally almost wiped them out entirely before bans were put in place) I caught the whale bug early and it has never waned. So trust me when I say: absolutely nothing will shake your soul’s perception of its place in the universe like seeing a 100 foot animal you *didn’t know was there* suddenly rise out of the water 20 yards from your boat.
Anyway, it’s high time, if you are in California, to get out and see them whales, people. They’re RIGHT THERE, being WHALES in your FACE.
Here’s a great whale watching company out of Long Beach - best blue whale sightings I’ve seen.
Here’s my personal favorite in Monterey (always take Monterey trips that leave from Moss Landing instead of Monterey itself, unless you like spending an hour of your whale trip getting out to the whales).
And here’s one in San Francisco.
Always take dramine. ALWAYS.
Abandoned Theme Park Rabbit Hole
I love me an abandoned theme park. There’s something about the inherent vivacity and liveliness about theme park structures that makes them EXTRA SPOOKY when they are suddenly abandoned. Something terrible must have happened to stop all the laughter, you can’t help but think…
This is the Enchanted Forest in Maryland…a place where once, many children played.
Until, of course, the troubles began…
Where had the happy children gone, Willy the Whale wondered. They once loved him so much…
Would they remember him now?
Okay, that’s just too upsetting for a happy newsletter. You want the GOOD NEWS??!
According to this Smithsonian Article, a lovely local woman named Martha Clarke, who grew up near the theme park and adored it, devoted a good portion of her time to saving and restoring many of the Enchanted Forest’s structures on her own farm! You can now visit Clarke’s Elioaks farm and see these magical critters restored to all their glory.
Even this guy made it!
Now I call that a fairy-tale ending.
And Now For A Bit Of Fruit Crisp:
It’s Summmmma time at last, and that means: it is time to eat fruit.
Pints of blueberries. Piles of cherries. Wicker baskets full of warm, fragrant peaches.
Whatever your particular fruit predilection, the time is now for the ripest, sweetest, most drippy bites of it (unless you’re one of those weirdo pear people.) And while fruit is delicious on it’s own, what if instead of on it’s own, you covered it in caramelized crumbly goodness and ate a lot of it? And this brings us to a fruit crisp. This one.
For this low risk, high reward dessert, you need the following things:
2-3 lbs of summer fruits, your choice
1 tbs cornstarch
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
2/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup (a stick) of butter
1/2 cup of oats
1/2 tsp-1 tsp of whatever spices you like with fruit , cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, ginger, whatever, I’m not your mother.
A fruit crisp is so easy, a baby could make it, as long as it is an oven-proofed baby with superior time-telling and acceptable knife skills. Simply gather a bunch of your favorite fruit from the yard or the market or someone else’s yard or Gelson’s, I guess, if you’re a rich person. For this delectable bubbler, I used 3 nectarines, 5 plums, and a basket of blackberries. Any combination will work.
Slice those suckers up and de-pit any that need de-pitting, and then throw ‘em in a pie or casserole dish with a tablespoon of cornstarch and 1/3rd a cup of granulated sugar (not set in stone there, you can go more or less as you prefer.) Mix in the cornstarch with the fruit so it’s all dissolved.
In a food processor (ideally) or by hand, mix together the brown sugar, spices, and flour, and mix in the butter until it’s crumbly. If you’re using a processor, don’t put the oats in until it’s already looking crumbly from pulsing, otherwise you’ll lose their texture.
Literally dump it on top of the fruit, put your pie tin or dish on a cookie sheet to prevent spills, and throw the whole thing in the oven at 350 degrees for about 50 minutes-1 hour. It’ll be bubbling like mad and getting toasty on top.
THEN GET READY FOR DELICIOUSNESS.
This is easy to make vegan by swapping the butter with a vegan spread, or gluten-free by swapping the all-purpose flour with gluten-free oat flour or almond flour! It’s the perfect summer dessert.
The Best Dog One Could Ask For On A Monday
Friends, I need you to meet this dog. This is a dog for all mankind. This is Howie.
Howie a 13-year-old rat terrier. He is happy to see you, although he will bark at you relentlessly right up until he decides your his best friend. He will then bark at you again when you leave, according to his lovely owner, @lvpelt .
Howie likes things. He likes long walks and peeing on things, especially plants.
But Howie is a well-rounded dog being, so he also doesn’t like things. Like his sisters who live too close for Howie to feel comfortable, and also whatever caused this reaction. #WhoShockedHowie
Anyway, I think what Howie is telling us is that we all have light and dark inside us, as well as serenity and SUDDEN SURGES OF DRAMA.
Howie just gets us.
Have a great week, my friends. Please like this post if you liked this post and pretty please, share upon social media!