At seven PM
On a sweet summer night
Our heroine got
A thought of delight:
Some pickles I’ll make
she thought with some glee
And then I shall take them
On my trip with me!
For not two days later
She meant to skip town
Bringing pickles for all
to dispense all around
Some marvelous cukes
she did slice into bits
and then came the part
that defies all her wits
For instructions she read
on creating a brine
They were simple, she thought
folks do this all the time
So she mixed up some peppers
some spices, some herbs
vinegar by the cupful
a mishap seemed absurd
Then she turned on the flame
and the spices, they swirled
homemade pickles, she thought,
are what’s good in this world
But now what is this
she is coughing a lot
because vinegar and peppers
sure stink when they’re hot!
To the window she ran
to the door she did flock
escaping the fumes
she did sit on a rock
My chest sure does hurt!
She noticed at once
but vinegar can’t hurt you
she thought like a dunce
So three hours passed
while outside she hid
swatting hard at mosquitoes
And wishing for a lid
on the bubbling pickles
so green and so pert
and when three hours passed
MY, her chest she did hurt!
So to poison control
she did call for aide
When they sputtered “ER!”
With aplomb, she obeyed
Twas eleven and thirty
(and she’d been up since five)
Surely fumes from a pickle
Can’t eat lungs alive?
So she sat in the lobby
(while Sean slept in the car)
While kids puked for a hobby
and relief, it stayed far
From her seat in a hallway
counting sheep with each breath
and cursing the pickles
bringing her to this mess
Til at last a fair doctor
only laughing a bit
sat her down for and X-ray
and then, dished the shit
“Vinegar is an acid
but what you did today
is boil them with PEPPERS
which makes - PEPPER SPRAY”
So here is the moral
given with my great shame
with my bags yet unpacked
(and few pickles to my name)
You still don’t get your columns
and I am to blame
Hope this note from my doctor
makes you smile just the same